King of getting by.

i hate my ex. and while there are always many reasons to hate ex'es (especially ones you still kind of pine for)this it's, well, more like i'm jealous of her. she moved to korea. i hoped she would but i always kinda thought she'd chicken out. she's been here for what? 3 weeks? she's already gone out and started exploring the nightlife and making friends. granted she's in a city in which you can actually run into people she's met before. but the fact remains that i'm a complete wuss. my "wait and see" approach to making friends and girlfriends hasn't worked like it usually does. actually it hasn't worked in two years... more like i haven't let it work. when people ask me to come out and play, i make excuses and hem and haw. and if i do go out i hide in some way or another. it used to be cigarettes, but i quit those, so now it's become painfully obvious even to me that i'm hiding behind something instead of interacting like a real person. then i act all hurt and shocked that after awhile people stop asking me out... internally of course, its not like i could actually bring myself to open up to other people. so what's wrong with me? why am i writing these questions on a blog that nobody reads instead of actually asking myself? yikes.

on the plus side, self improvement isn't completely out of the question. i bought some busts, a wooden hand, a new note book, and some color pencils. they didn't have the bust i wanted though. when i went to the store a few months ago, they had a super generic bust that had slight bumps and impressions where facial features are. less that, i decided to buy one of Cesar and one of a girl in a hat. i also bought a black, gray (yes, of course i could have just pressed a little lighter on the black to make gray), white, yellow, red and blue. i was hoping that i could just mix the primary colors to get the other colors, and to a certain extent you can, but i guess if i want orange, i need to buy it. oh well.

i found my new favorite place! deoksugung palace. if you ever get the chance to go there, do it!!! it is a refuge of peace in this city. my new plan is to go there every week end, pick something to draw, and do it. and if anyone talks to me, i'm going to make sure to talk back. of course the fact that i'm going to be hunched over a pad drawing is 'hiding' isn't lost on me-- but i think it's more acceptable in an historic setting like the palace. if i tried that shit in a bar, then yeah, definite hiding.